Category Archives: EpiFunny Diary

Dear Diary in LOLspeak 2

Deer Die-ry,

What’s above? Heh. You can nut answered me, can you? You are but an unliving thing. You are so stoop-ed.  Heh. I like unsulting peeple, even if they really aren’t people. But sometime I get my ace kicked trying to do so.

I went to KFC today to chick out their checken. It was very very yummy in my tummy. Sow when I went to counter to gut a second serving, I told the KFC weighters how I felt about the foods.

“I’m licking it!” I said. It was an complements. But for some treason, they awl started stairing at me. And like I sayed in my last entry, I DOESN’T LIKES TO BE FORKING STARED AT! Gut it? Continue reading


Dear Diary in LOLspeak – The Worst Post Ever (EVAR!)

Deer Dairy,

To day, on the early early morning, I was circles around nearby markeet in my car at night. I was trying to dig some chicks. You no, chicking out some hens, trying to get it on with sum gals, peek up some beeches and all that cap. I am so cool and o-some, woot!

But at the same time, I am also a gentlepersonmans. I doesn’t like when I has have been looked upon hardly by other persons.

Its vary annoyingful. Jes, sametimes some peoples stair at the me. I doesn’t overstand why? May bee they are in-pressed by my books. I mean looks. Haha. I was only jokering.

You see, it’s ogay for me to chick out chicks. Why? Because isky is high. Haha. I was jokering. Again. Seriously dough, its ogay for me to stair at chicks because if they did nut want me to, they wood tell me. Continue reading


“DIFFRENT BARGAR (Kind of)” – Restaurant FAIL

So the local McDonald’s branch was pwned recently. That’s right, the city has lost one of its favorite eat-and-meet (and poondi) places. The location was in conflict with certain laws, they say. But was that the only reason? Nothing is ever that simple. Almost every large-scale occurrence has a conspiracy behind it, working the gears of a grand covert scheme.

And despite what a certain popular stereotype may imply, not every conspiracy has a Jew behind it.

My hunch is that the food-giant has been driven out of business (bitch-slapped) by a new bad-ass in town – A harmless little snack bar hidden in a neglected part of the capital city that has, unknown to many, taken the city by storm. I can see it now – Ronald McDonald running with his tail between his legs.

Behold – the shop that has (literally) redefined the words “innovation” and “burger”.

It has also reached a new level of hilarity in LOLspeak (Grammatically ridiculous English). And you thought “I Can Has CheezBurger” was pushing the envelope.

Restaurant FAIL - Diffrent Bargar Kind of


‘Shoemanship’ finds a new target

Until only recently, the only targets of hurled shoes were stray dogs, cats and teenage boys with an insatiable appetite for digging (no pun intended) chicks. A year ago, ‘shoemanship’ found a new target. The people of the world were taken by surprise as the American President himself was bombarded by a pair.

Despite the conviction of the perpetrator, the sport’s love for President’s did not falter. After beating about the Bush (heh), it found yet another target a couple of days ago, once again, however, missing its mark by a hair’s breadth. Apparently, the hurlers need more training. Or maybe its the shoes that need to be lighter (Nike Air?). Oxford style shoes and sandals just don’t cut it.

Jootay Khappay

"Sir, would you like to try a size 11?"


Nacho Cheese

Nacho Cheese

  1. Cheese that is not yours.
  2. (Urdu adaptation) Anything that makes one dance involuntarily.

Example

1. Ben: Could I have some of that cheese?

Peter: Sorry, its nacho cheese.

2. (Urdu content) Sahiba: Yaqeen kijiye, iss ganay par tou thumkay mar, mar ke a’zaa ki shairi karnay ko dil karta hai.

Nadeem: Thik kehti hein aap. Gaana Nacho Cheese jo hai.


Prince of Persia: ‘Waste’ of Time

Prince of Persia - A 'Waste' of Time

Prince of Persia - A 'Waste' of Time

I was so damn excited when I heard they were making a movie on Ubisoft’s Prince of Persia trilogy, even more so when the movie was actually released. I should’ve trusted my instinct on this one – movies based on games usually turn out lame.

Half-way through the movie, my enthusiasm had dug a grave for itself and jumped in. The movie was, to say the least, an hour and 45 minutes long torture session (a slow-mo enema with the dagger of time) for a POP series fan.

First of all, the plot was relatively weak and way too obvious, and not just for those who’ve played the game. Excessive hints and frequent, prolonged explanations made the script sound as if inspired by that of an orthodox Japanese anime or worse – Sesame Street.

Furthermore, the film didn’t feel – as very adequately put by the fellows at IGN – original. Throughout the movie, I was constantly reminded of The Mummy and Sinbad, and during my least favorite parts – Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.

Continue reading


Reasons for Demise of Pak Cricket Team Unveiled: Players not Potty Trained?

The following list of reasons has been compiled after extensive research and is based on inferences from authentic facts presented by the Pakistan Cricket Board officials and the cricket team itself. Honest.

Recently, our national cricket team’s performance has been going up and down like a kangaroo with a rash (although this joke is more suited for the Australian team, I just don’t think I’ll ever get to use it for them). The reasons for this are believed to be as follows:

  1. Players seem to have been spending a lot of time fighting and plotting amongst each other like a bunch of women in a Star Plus soap opera. The coach, Intikhab Alam, has recently revealed that a group of “six to seven” players had planned a medieval-style coup d’etat (oath and all) “before the UAE tour last November” (quote DAWN) against the then captain, Younis Khan.
  2. Among other things, the coach also told DAWN that the players are more or less “mentally retarded” (OH NO HE DIDN’T!). If this is true, it would explain all the cat fights and grouping.
  3. Speaking of grouping and fighting – there was apparently a constant rift between two of the most senior players in the side – Yousuf and Younis. The fight, according to our imaginary correspondent, is believed to be the result of “sexually”, “me”, “pathan” and “harass” – the only four words that the correspondent could make out from Yousuf’s testimony in English. In a later press conference with our contact, Yousuf proclaimed that “he me like because our name similar – both start ‘Yo’, he say”. When Younis was interrogated regarding the matter, he seemed appalled, claiming that no such thing happened. “Laka, all I said was that ‘I love Yo’…..’as brother’. He get scare because I’m Khan. But I’m not a terrorist”. Confused? So was our reporter (even though he’s imaginary).                                 Continue reading

Awam Responsible for Cricket Team’s Demise

Another defeat. Another week of cussing and regrets. The result of the match was decided on the last ball. The match, in my opinion, was very enjoyable. I was watching it with my friends in the TV room of my university’s boy’s hostel.

When Abdur Rehman flicked that last ball into the air, everyone cheered for joy. That’s because the camera’s field of vision did not cover the cursed fielder waiting for a catch at the boundary. The cheering died down the instant the fielder came into view. All were glaring at the TV with such ferocity, it seemed their eyes would pop out of their sockets. A friend immediately on my right looked like a kid who had just been made aware of the existence of the boogey man who steals candy from naughty children or an adult who has been told of the boogey man who steals 10% of almost everything from almost everyone regardless of how naughty or nice they’ve been (Mr. President).

Even in all the tension and subsequent disappointment, I could not help but notice the comedy of the situation, the sudden 180 degree change in each spectator’s facial expression. And in the fact that everyone suddenly seemed to have become an expert on what Abdur Rehman should have done.

Yeah. I’m sure anyone in that TV room could have done better than Abdur Rehman. That is, after they had actually made it to the cricket team, and played with an actual cricket ball and not with a cheap rip off of a Dunlop tennis ball (L**dop: Made as Taiwan).

Continue reading


Ready! iSteady! Apple! Go!

After months, nay years of research, I think it is finally time to reveal unto the world, the truth behind the origin of the names given to Apple’s products.

Brace yourselves, for the truth is often hard to absorb.

Haven’t you ever wondered why they add that small-case ‘i’ before every product’s name? What does it mean? Is it a symbolic reference? Short for ‘internet’? ‘Interactive’?

It doesn’t mean anything, its not symbolic and it is definitely not short for ‘internet’ or ‘interactive’.

It’s origin is purely Pakistani.

It’s true. Don’t stare at the screen like that. I warned you about the truth. Don’t do that.  Staring harder won’t make it go away.

Continue reading


Leaders and Lamers

When an individual takes a seat in the highest tiers of an organization,  his every action becomes a reflection upon his followers and a definition of the very group he leads. This, of course, holds true for any organization, big or small. Throughout the history of man (no offense to my feminist readers, its just an expression) there seems to have been a balance between good and bad leaders.

For every good politician, there is one with mixed morals, a goofy mustache and a notorious alias (Mr. 10%). For every individual with a revolutionary concept, there is a critic and for every patriot with pride for his culture and the will to lead, there is a burger (“buhguh”).

Continue reading