Lost Scripts: The Original iPhone Advertisement

“If you don’t have an iPhone, well, you don’t have an iPhone. Also, if you aren’t sitting, you’re probably standing, lying down, running or flying through the air courtesy of a nuclear-powered jet pack. Hence, you must buy an iPhone.

Don’t you see?

The logic is undeniable. You absolutely must buy one. It’s cool (because it’s expensive) and it’s simple (read: doofus-friendly) because there’s virtually no flexibility in the OS! It’s the Bieber of the technology world, a bimbo among smartphones.

You see, we work to provide a severely constipated user experience.

Why?

Because we’re downright arrogant, that’s why! We’ve sued every last competitor in the market for copying our mathematically proven awesomeness. We never copy others, of course. We “innovate” (innovate (verb): Letting competitors try their luck with new features and jumping in with replicas of your own when they work out for them, claiming originality of concept upon incorporation).

Don’t you see?

We are the future. Why else would judgment day be later instead of now? We target the dumbest/easiest people in the world (that’s you!) and force them to spend hundreds of dollars on unnecessary upgrades and product overhauls. Heck, we coaxed you into buying the same device twice just by giving it a new color! Even the heftier price tag didn’t slow you down!

We can treat you like crap because we know you’ll praise us no matter what. And we’re confident that those of you who don’t will succumb to our might eventually. Eventually.

We’re here to take over the world and are ready to use every dirty trick in the book to do so. Nobody can stop us. Not you, not Gates and certainly not that disgusting green robot. We’re pure evil, you say? Hah! We eat pure evil for breakfast with you on the side!

You’re offended? Aw, that’s too bad. Do we care? No. We don’t give a tiny rat’s tushi. And do you know why? You don’t, do you? That’s why we love you. You guys are so simple!

We don’t care because we know all we need to do is announce another new trinket of ours, make it sound all flashy and you’ll come running towards us with your tongues out and tails wagging.”

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About Sameed Khan


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