The following list of reasons has been compiled after extensive research and is based on inferences from authentic facts presented by the Pakistan Cricket Board officials and the cricket team itself. Honest.
Recently, our national cricket team’s performance has been going up and down like a kangaroo with a rash (although this joke is more suited for the Australian team, I just don’t think I’ll ever get to use it for them). The reasons for this are believed to be as follows:
- Players seem to have been spending a lot of time fighting and plotting amongst each other like a bunch of women in a Star Plus soap opera. The coach, Intikhab Alam, has recently revealed that a group of “six to seven” players had planned a medieval-style coup d’etat (oath and all) “before the UAE tour last November” (quote DAWN) against the then captain, Younis Khan.
- Among other things, the coach also told DAWN that the players are more or less “mentally retarded” (OH NO HE DIDN’T!). If this is true, it would explain all the cat fights and grouping.
- Speaking of grouping and fighting – there was apparently a constant rift between two of the most senior players in the side – Yousuf and Younis. The fight, according to our imaginary correspondent, is believed to be the result of “sexually”, “me”, “pathan” and “harass” – the only four words that the correspondent could make out from Yousuf’s testimony in English. In a later press conference with our contact, Yousuf proclaimed that “he me like because our name similar – both start ‘Yo’, he say”. When Younis was interrogated regarding the matter, he seemed appalled, claiming that no such thing happened. “Laka, all I said was that ‘I love Yo’…..’as brother’. He get scare because I’m Khan. But I’m not a terrorist”. Confused? So was our reporter (even though he’s imaginary).
- After Shoaib Malik’s recent successful infiltration into the heart of an Indian female star sportswoman and consequent blow to the hearts of all Indian men, it has become somewhat of a trend for Pakistani cricketers to try to score Indian or foreign chicks. The first to follow suit was our very own Shoaib Akhtar. No wonder they call him fast. Not a week after Malik’s engagement, Akhtar scored Diya Mirza’s heart with his fast moves. Or balls (Yikes! An unintentional pun! An UnPun!).
- This trend has even become the cause of fights among the players – a recent example of which, would be the fight between Umer Gul and Muhammad Aamer during the second test against New Zealand over who would field at the position where there were more chick-spectators. Unbelievable? Well, you better believe it because this was reported by the team manager, Abdur Raquib himself.
- Last but not the least (embarrassing and disgusting) – coach Intikhab Alam has been reported to have revealed that the players – how should I say this – don’t know how to dispose of their bodily wastes in a civilized manner. That’s right. They don’t know how to use the poo-room like grown, civilized men should. In simple words – they’re not potty-trained (OH NO HE DIDN’T!). But I don’t think it was wise for the coach to reveal such an embarrassing truth. I mean – who does that? Even if your players
- can’t aim right while they’re in the loo (yuck?),
- leave foot prints on the seat of a western toilet because they’re used to the eastern ones (What The Yuck?),
- forget to flush or to turn on the exhaust fan,
- or fart loudly in public,
you don’t go telling the whole damn world for cryin’ out loud! Bad decision there, Mr. Intikhab Alam! Bad decision indeed! Who in his right mind would respect any of the players now? But maybe the coach is justified in his frustration. Maybe he walked into a common washroom during a match to wash his hands and found some shit on the towel – literally (Yikes!).
But he should have given us more than just a mystery. He didn’t even give us a hint as to who the chief toilet-perpetrators were. Looks like we will never know who among the players is unaware of the difference between towels and toilet-rolls.